Passing by

 Ever get that feeling life is just passing by you? Like you're just stationary, and everything is going a million miles an hour? Yeah, this week I felt that...but my response is changing.

Welcome back, I hope you've been doing all the things you'd say you'd do this week. You know, the running, the pretentious walks on your instagram story, all that crap! Jokes. I do hope you had a good week though, and achieved something - anything. 

It's 10:20am on Tuesday morning, AET of course, as i'm still in Sydney, and I've already been out the house for over an hour. A coffee, a book, and some good music. All before 10am?! Not sure what has gotten into me as of late, but I'm liking it.

Sydney is 'muggy' (humid) as fuck at the moment. Sorry to swear, but it's a pain in the arse. It's hot, and not a nice hot, one where the breeze sort of brushes past you like a nice cold fan, but one where as soon as you wake up you're sweating more than...ah, I'll avoid that joke, too soon. Either way, it's bloody hot, getting out of bed, especially early, has been a challenge. But this week, I'm doing things differently - I've sort of set a precedent!

Coffee mornings, beach afternoons

Now, I rarely get both. I don't regret much about this trip, but if there was something I sort of wish I did more, it's beach days. Not a huge beach person, it becomes too much, especially if it is busy, or far out distance wise. This week, I've had a nice mix of coffee mornings, and no, not those ones arranged for older people to meet new people, literally just sat alone, with my book, my headphones, and a nice coffee - Oat Cappucino. Don't forget the buttered Banana bread. If James Bond's signatory supplement to his character is a martini, shaken not stirred (vile by the way), then mine is an Oat Cappucino with buttery banana bread. I'm not sure I'd seem so unhinged or sinister as an MI5 agent sitting at a casino table with a coffee, smothered in coco, and some banana bread, but, it's 2026. Do whatever you want.

Anyway. The point I'm making is, I've found things I enjoy. Coffee has always been a big one for me; much like beer, I don't yearn for it, but the social occasion it creates, now I can get behind that. And the two go hand in hand. When I ask someone "hey, want to grab a coffee?" I don't have the slightest interest in what you drink, even if it is that wretched shit they call an "ice caramel latté" or whatever bullshit it is. It's more an invite to talk, open up, kill some time with me. No phone, unless looking through our photo gallery, something I really love, sharing memories (mostly travelling), and just debriefing. Dates, friends, family, randoms. Whoever it is, I want to spend time with someone and talk. Being alone, albeit in a sharehouse filled with people, has it's downsides. Sometimes the busiest places are the most lonely; a big crowd doesn't mean lots of conversation, often times, people just brush past each other, in a hurry, no consideration for anyone else. AirPods in, or whatever way you listen to music, personally I prefer those huge headphones that cup right round my ears, just to distract from my vaguely Gareth Bale-looking ears. And also because, I feel like I'd lose AirPods within a day. Too easy to fall out, and knowing my luck, those drains on the side of the road would eat them for breakfast.

What I'm getting at is that those little moments spent with friends, they mean everything to me. I spent 3 months in Byron Bay, where all I knew was my football team, the coaches, my mums friend and her family, some of her friends, and Jada, That's it. I came to Sydney, all I knew was Declan, my then-coaching boss Cam, albeit only for a few weeks, and my work mates at ESM - the sales company I worked for. It was lonely. To think I now have mates who relentlessly call me to come to the beach and wake me up at 1pm on a Sunday to do so (I went to sleep at 6am for reference, before you come at me), is an immense privilege. It's so easy to forget what loneliness feels like when you're surrounded by so many new mates, but I had really scary, dark moments. If Dec wasn't there, I'd have been toast! I have to be grateful every day, because I once prayed to have the love and support I have now. How lucky I am. 

The drink isn't the important part basically, it's the moment. The clarity it gives you, that's worth whatever that coffee costs. What is $5.50? The price of a beverage and a good conversation? That's worth it. A nice walk after? It's free. Go out and do it more, I urge you to do so. People can bicker over how caffeine affects us, I'll let them get on with it, I just want to taste some bagged up coffee, probably of a lower-grade than the nerds of the coffee world recommend you to drink, disguised with a bubbled-up swan, decorated with fragments of coco powder. Yeah, that'll do.

I always, and I mean always, feel immediately better after having that time. This morning, I read 30 odd pages of Kitchen Confidential, Bourdain, and ate my routine Banana bread, and drank the Oat Cap. The result? A relaxed start to the day, less procrastination, and a positive outlook for the day, I'm even looking forward to work! That's how good it is. 

Speaking of good times, a bit before this I will say, Berlin, 2024...

Looking back on Berlin

Picture this, two lads, recently 18, born on the same day, travelling together to Berlin. Dec and me. His mum dropped us to East Midlands airport, a first for me, a night flight, over the English Channel to Berlin Brandenburg aiport, ready for a nice five or six days (I can't remember) trip to the land I've visited a few times before. A first for Dec. I was excited to show him Berlin, a place I visited in Summer 2023; an impromptu visit top watch my beloved - yet frustrating - Nottingham Forest face Union Berlin in a Forest-surrounded stadium somewhere in East Berlin. 

Not as much coffee, never Dec's thing, but some amazing memories. Kanye West - yes controversial, but I like his music a lot - released 'Vultures'. Not his best album by any stretch of the imagination, but I loved it. Dec loved it. So much so, it became the staple soundtrack of our holiday. To this day, we hear the beat, and it takes us back to that cold trip to Berlin. Morning walks to the Brandenburg gate, discovering Checkpoint Charlie, the barbaric gallery - the Topography of Terror - amongst Berlin's various other views. An amazing city, drenched in history.

Kai, a receptionist at the time I met in 2023, I gave him a ticket to the game I spoke about - I was commentating and couldn't use the ticket - hooked us up with the hotel we stayed in. He wanted me to come to Berlin again, and my word, he did us a favour! Cheaper stay, a nicer room, and the hotel looked drastically better these days. Why? He was the hotels operational manager. What a guy. Changed the place completely. Always busy, right in the heart of Berlin, we couldn't have had the fun we did if not for Kai - so, a big shoutout to him. He's now out in Chile with his fiancee, and, I believe, a baby on the way. I will visit, for sure!

The room was rooftop, a lovely window you could peer out of, hear the sirons of a busy city, and smell that fresh foreign air - it was actually fresh too. Watching the sunset over Berlin was rare given my joy for German beers and late nights, but when we did view it, it was amazing. So many memories, the music, Kebabs under the train bridge, bit of a staple that, meeting new people, a day of E-Sports - not usually my cup of tea, but I enjoyed it. To Dec's enjoyment, his team, G2, won. Meant nothing in my mind, but it was a spectacle!

The best memories you ask? Dec will love this. Bastard. Newly 18, I was just discovering dating apps, Dec got me on them. I'd never been with a woman at this point, somewhat embarrassing at that point, although it shouldn't have been, but the ego of a newly-turned adult - takes some shifting! Dec deserves his flowers, he's a great wingman, and sooner than I expected he'd hooked me up, somewhat, with the Argentinian receptionist at the desk. She was flirting with him a bit, but he had a girlfriend at this point, so, I knew there was nothing there. We got talking, she wrote me a small letter, drew a photo of us, and to this day I still have them. I won't say names, but she was probably the most gorgeous girl I'd ever met - and she was from Argentina? Pinch me. Anyway, we arranged a date, I got sick, and nothing came of it. But in mine, and Dec's eyes, to have gotten a date, even if it didn't happen, was something. Especially given it was like a - for my football fan friends - League 2 player managing to secure a loan to Manchester City, and get minutes. Impossible, but somehow, it happened.

After the E-Sports tournament, we were spent. Phones low on battery, we were cold, and hungry. "Pizza hut? Yeah, go on then." It was right opposite the hotel, so there we sat, chowing down on a hot, steaming pizza, when all of a sudden, our night takes a turn. A girl walks by, she looks like someone I went to school with, I shout the name, only to have words returned - "are yous Irish?" A thick Dublin accent. No, we're English, but she comes over anyway, we invite her for pizza, next thing you know we're sat drinking Heineken together in the underground bar next door, filled with cigarette smoke, and she rinses the pervy Frenchman behind the bar for more free drinks. I was flattered. Free beer? An undeniably pretty girl? Some night that.

Well, the bit Dec loves is not our walk into the city centre, the 4am falling into our room, or whatever we did, but more how I - to quote - fumbled. I won't say exactly what happened, I'll keep this appropriate, but I wussed out. Something Declan never, ever, lets me forget. 

Two years this week since that trip, and it remains one of my lifes best trips, and for our friendship, certainly one of our best memories. If someone ever tells you to not book flights, tell your mate they owe you money, and spontaneously just GO, ignore them. They are a fool of the highest grade. Money comes back, time doesn't...just saying! 

I've just exposed myself big time here, so please never say this blog doesn't offer a HUGE insight into my life...I tell you way too much - in fact, I'm not sure even my mum knows about the things above!

Discipline -> Action

I'm a worrier. I play it off well, but someone calling me "skinny," it hurts. Seeing someone with a good physique, I get jealous. It's not that I have a bad physique, but I want to be better, hence why I'm investing in my health, my looks, and searching for being better, all the time.

Every week I'm buying better food. Humorously, I discovered I had a working freezer in my fridge unit, and a temperature gauge. Rule 1) Don't mess around with buttons, especially if you don't know what they do. One flooded fridge, and bedroom floor later, soon enough, everything was frozen again! Calamity. 15 Minutes before I left for work, floor soddened, honestly surprised I made it out on time. 

Discovering how useful a freezer is makes me realise A) How stupid I can be and B) The joys of adulting. No time to cook that food? Freeze it. Before, admittedly so stupid, I would have to chuck it, whereas now, there's enough to last me an atomic winter. Let's hope it doesn't come to that...

I've been speaking to my mate Dan. I mention him all the time - top, top lad - and we discussed sort of "layering" habits. What can you achieve at 'A', which leads you to 'B' - a way of making sure you do what needs to be done. As much as I keep seeking the action, I feel like the more I strive for intention, purpose in why I'm doing what I'm doing, the easier the act becomes.

Plus, talking about actions, I'm ditching my horrible, daily to-do lists. Quitting micro-managing my own life, and having a weekly project list. Priorities in order, giving myself more breathing space. Sometimes we can be control freaks in our own lives; remind yourself of that, and avoid being too hard on yourself - and yes, me saying that is also some self-reassurance. I feel the same as you.

A platform to be heard

A nice walk home from town. A bit of shopping done, some good tunes on. Rolling Stones absolutely own me at the moment. So, so good. Next thing you know, some bloke next to me is signalling to take my headphones off. Me?! Take headphones off?? For you? I hesitated, tempted to dismiss, but I gave him a chance. Thankfully I did. With some perspective required may I add, it changed my day, and added some thoughts.

"Mate, I've just got out of jail after 15 years. Any cash to help me out?" Like most in the new generation, cash is almost a foreign object. I never carry any. Slightly dubious, nonetheless, but he intrigued me. "No cash mate. But, fancy a chat?" So we did. Brief. He was of course wanting to speak to the next person. He mentioned how different life is now, the reality of entering a completely different world to the one he left all those years ago. New technologies, ways of life, areas, entire neighbourhoods. All new. Overwhelming. He mentioned how he pleads with CentreLink for money - and is hoping to find work - so he can restart his life. Looking at him, bald, fairly well built, a pair of shorts, a worn shirt and two rucksacks - you'd assume he's fresh out. Maybe early/mid-forties. Restarting life now? How crazy. 

The perspective I asked for earlier was regarding WHY he was in prison. As much as I am open minded and wanted to understand his story, the unfortunate side is that there is likely someone, or people who have suffered on behalf of his action; I believe in second chances, but also, it is important I suppose I don't indulge myself too much into his story, or feel too much sympathy. 

But it did raise a wider point. Most people would just waft him off. Who cares what this bloke thinks? This creates a race of unheard people. It breeds frustration, anger, distrust. I hope we can all be more understanding of each other, give people an opportunity, even if we eventually disagree or say "no". Just give them a platform to be heard.

That short few minutes of chat, that meant something. I hope he can turn things around, and that there was no serious suffering as a result of his actions. 

Back to the coffee shop

Okay, last one on that beautiful bean known as Coffee. The cafe I go to, it makes me feel somewhat a mobster. Filled with various people, the quirky, the corporate, the quirky corporate, the rough, the tired, the clean and energetic. And me. Somewhere in the middle of the last two. I try to dress well, I go to two coffee shops - both different vibes. 

Four doors down is a "quick coffee" shop. Every seven, one is free. Work it out, every week and a bit I'm getting a free coffee -- don't worry, maths was done by me, Eni Aluko didn't quite get it right when I asked. Sorry, had to. Lol.

In the last few weeks, I've sat there, reading, music on, but still somewhat observant. The blokes from the garage next door sometimes come over, next thing you know, somewhat of a banquet is handed over. Coffee's, pastries, Turkish lunch dishes. Yum. Logically, you assume they either payed, or the garage owns the café, but for some reason, my Sopranos-loving brain can't help but mutter - "must be mafia".

It makes me giggle. I try and look as American-Italian as possible, or at least have some of the elegance of Julio Iglesias, if my pale white skin allows me to. The imagination is great isn't it. It's likely a very standard operation, but I almost wish it was some sort of coffee-garage underworld, maybe the coffees are a repayment for an old engine repair. A debt. Maybe they all play Yatzee in the garage, a dim light hanging by a thing wire thread above a broken down mahogany table. Three suited men surrounding the table as their boss rolls a double-six. Haven't a clue how the fucking game works, I'm trying to paint a picture, okay?

Just imagine it. Have a bit of fun with it. This all makes me sound so deluded and strange, but fuck it...

This weeks take aways

Getting to this part is honestly bittersweet. I love writing, I spend the course of 2-3 days pondering over it. Spells of energy, ideas, and spells of "meh, time to do something else." But honestly, it feels like a nice conclusion to a fun moment.

The weeks are feeling more positive; yes, shit keeps getting thrown at me. Health wise, friends wise, homesickness wise, all sorts. But my response is different. I'm just grateful I get to feel the challenge, and have the platform, support and love from friends and family to see me through. The more I adopt the relaxed mindset, and let bad things pass, the better the outcome of these situations are. 

Perhaps the biggest take away therefore is definitely response. Late to the party? Yeah, glad I got invited though. Maybe saved a few $ on beers. Works busy, you're stressed? I know people who had to go home because they couldn't find work. That thing with someone didn't work out? I didn't even used to have the confidence to chat to someone like that. It's all perspective; in many ways this blog is just a mirror, and I'm telling myself to feel this way. I guess it's just going to you before it gets back to me.

Here's to another special week, I hope it brings you smiles, new memories, and new opportunities...

Take care,

Jamie x

imbrokeinsydney@gmail.com